Sturm Von Stahl - Stories from the league

Share the stories you lived in the Blood Bowl universe and tell us your best moment on the pitch.
Posts: 135
Joined: 09 September 2009, 22:47

Checking in with the Festering Scabs

Postby EastCoast » 19 February 2013, 23:45

by telfordirving
The Festering Scabs - Week 4

Gorbag the Atopic, partially feared, entirely spotty cheiftain of The Festering Scabs orc tribe strode towards the large hut that stood alone at the edge of the village.....


An eardrum shattering explosion literally blew the roof off the ramshackle structure and threw Gorbag to the ground. A cloud of foul smelling, purple smoke lazily rose from the large hole in the hut, caught on the wind and gradually dispersed. Gorbag pushed himself back to his feet and exchanged worriedly knowing looks with the two black orc guards. He took a deep breath, turned the handle of the door and peered round the door.
"Ere, wot woz dat den?" he enquired from behind the door.
"That? Gorbag, my dear dear jailor? That was the culmination of my latest piece of work. An unmitigated success," Telford Irving, Former headcoach of St Domingos and HateMarch Horrors, Daemon Prince of Nurgle and scientist unextraordinaire waved one of his three arms in the vague direction of a pool of purple ooze that was slowly bubbling away and eating through the huts floorboards. Irving had been captured during a Scab raid into The Hate March Marshes deep in The Northern Wastes and he had been set to work on the dual tasks of turning The Festering Scabs into something resembling a Blood Bowl team and curing the tribes tricky combination skin types..... so far he had managed neither.

"Ermm, Wot iz dat den? Itz all purple n smelly like"
"Well, its clearly Wibblesnot! I have completely cured him of all his former ailments"
"Dats sum slime, innit?" observed the orc, correctly.
"Yes! Yes, it is! An improvement, no?"
"No, ee's all bubbly n smelly n liquidy"
"Oh, I thought you'd like it....." Irving looked downcast momentarily.
"Well, at least you must have enjoyed your teams first glorious victory last week!?"
"Yeah, dat woz quite good"
"QUITE, good? QUITE good? The perfect combination of expansive offence combined with stifling defence! it was a thing of beauty. Tactical genius on my part," Irving enthused.
"Yeah, well, about dat.... sum o' der boyz said dat der 'eads 'urt cos 'o all der finking dat dey 'ad ter do. The wife n me, we liked the bit wen Suspicious Tony chucked dat ball fing away n bashed dem lizards to pieces..... BAM BAM!!" Gorbag mimicked stomping skinks into the ground.
"Soooooo, let me get this straight..... More, er, 'bashing'?" Gorbag nodded enthusiatically.
"Less tactics? And............... you definately DON'T like the slime?
"I do not like der slime. No, I do not."

Posts: 135
Joined: 09 September 2009, 22:47

Nurgles, Norse, and Spaghetti Monsters, Oh my

Postby EastCoast » 02 March 2013, 04:30

by d_fly


The second week of the season saw the mighty Varyags of Miklagaard facing a past rival, the Pastafarians. The Varyags have a history of difficulty against Nurgle teams, and that streak of rough luck began with their first game against the Pastafarians, five season ago. The beating the Varyags received had not been forgotten, even after so long a time, and the team vowed to do better in this rematch.

The match opened with the Pastafarians bringing a wizard and a pair of Bloodweiser babes, in the hopes of keeping their players on the field in the face of the Norse onslaught. The first half started off with the Varyags receiving, and the Norsemen were able to get a few early KO's, but saw the Varyags receiving a pair of casualties in return, one of which on their star thrower Eysteinolfr, complicating the Varyags' ball handling, and leaving the ball next to a large, tentacled Nurgle Warrior. The Varyags were able to clear him off the ball, and get it into the hands of the up-and-coming Varyags runner Skallafrear. Skallafrear's speed coupled with the wanton aggression of his teammates was able to not only secure a touchdown at the end of the half, but clear several Nurgle players off the field.

Sadly, all of those blighted players returned, either through regeneration or the ministrations of the Bloodweiser babes. The second half saw a rookie Norse lineman, Snorre Hrafnson, killed by the Beast of Nurgle, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, who, despite his name, does minimal flying, and more moving slowly or staying rooted to the spot, confused. The Varyags returned the favor, killing a pair of Rotters in return. However, the Pastafarians were able to force their way up one side of the field, and score a touchdown.

The touchdown, however, was rushed, leaving the Varyags time to possibly score another touchdown, and tie things up. Sadly, the kick-off saw the Pastafarians catching the Varyags flat-footed, and resetting their lines into a perfect defense, complicating the Norse plan to score a quick touchdown. Furthermore, without Eysteinolfr, the speed of the drive was severely hampered, and saw the attempt stall, with another few Nurgle KO's and stuns, at least preventing the Chaos scum from getting the ball out of Skallafrear's hands. The game ended with a last-ditch pass attempt, but the sheer disgusting nature of several of the Nurgle players ruined Skallafrear's concentration, as he was busy retching on the field, and the pass was fumbled, ending the game in a hard-fought draw.

In an interview after the match, Varyags Head Coach Balla Odinson expressed that while he had hoped for a win, a draw was acceptable, given the team's poor history against Nurgle. Additionally, the Varyags were still in the ascendant, leaving him hope for their future. While the team made several mistakes, they played well on the whole, and received no major injuries, leaving them ready for their next game against the dirtiest (and only) Elf team in the Typhoon League, Amore Delle Morte.

Posts: 135
Joined: 09 September 2009, 22:47

Re: Sturm Von Stahl - Stories from the league

Postby EastCoast » 17 March 2013, 04:55


Posts: 135
Joined: 09 September 2009, 22:47


Postby EastCoast » 08 April 2013, 18:15

Pub 'Old Bloodsuck'
Hurricane Division Winners party

Ines the Beauty (pouring some stout all over the place): We did it... we really did it. We won our division and made it to the playoffs. And on top of it, our first opponent is UGD.
Kate Ironclaw (brawling with an unlucky halfling, who came her to near... altough the 'unlucky' part is questionable): I'll smack those rotten corpses across the whole field and back. Coach Uldreg has made our Coach and Lord looking silly way too often... time for retaliation.
Ines the Beauty (murmering to herself): As if he needs any help for that...
Lady Razor (also 'brawling' with some other patron... this time, the 'unlucky' is out of question, considering here sexual preferences and being a Dark Elf witch): Just to make sure, girls... the Count is on his way, he will supervise the training for and match against Uldreg personally. He even left the disaster team over at RMBBL to their own for it, as well as the Warriors in the Crimson Road tournament. Although the Warriors don't need help anyway, as long as they get there regular steroid treatment.
Ines the Beauty: Razor, do you have some time... I need to talk to you, under four eyes.
Lady Razor: Hmm... give me some time to finish my drink... and that guy. Meet me later in the backyard, I'll need a cigarette after it.

Some time later in the pubs backyard.
Lady Razor (smoking the best hallucinogenic tobacco Naggaroth has to offer): Ah, that was good. Now then, what do you want to talk, glamour girl.
Ines the Beauty: Think you know it, leather bitch. I want to win the title, as well as you. Which means, we must keep the Count occupied with other stuff, so that he can't talk into our work too much. He is a good figurehead, schemer and money provider, but probably the worst coach in existence. Just look whats going on with the Rampagers.
We two can't stand each other, but we have proved that (counting it with her fingers)
A) you make the job way better then he, except maybe the whippings
B) we make our job way better when he is not around screwing us
C) his overconfidence makes him prone to almost ridiculous failures
Lady Razor: Yeah, you're right. But what to do, he's the boss. And not even an army of depraved sexcrazed ogres will keep him from taking over when he arrives tomorrow. We just have to do our best. Besides, maybe he's able to put up another scheme, like what he has done with our match against the Bitches... that one gave us the one point we needed to win the division.
Ines the Beauty: True. But still, I have bad feelings about our next match. But at least, one thing is for good, even when we lose...
Lady Razor (gives Ines a curious look): Yeah, and what?
Ines the Beauty (grins wicked): The punishment he will give us when we lose is way harder for you then for me. Sadists usually don't like it when they are on the receiving end of a whip.
Lady Razor (grins even more wicked): You don't know much of my lifestyle, birdy.

Posts: 135
Joined: 09 September 2009, 22:47


Postby EastCoast » 08 April 2013, 18:17

[A camera focuses into the Ungrateful Dead Training facility. Large stacks of brightly colored bean bags line the practice field, overcrowd with hippies. On one half of the field an impromptu Ultimate Frisbee game is being dominated by the Shirts team. Naked hippies of all races cavorting midfield, completely forgetting about the match.]

[Camera cuts to sweaty reporter Slameron Crowes. Coach Uldreg has leaned in close, not realizing his mic is on...][/color]

Uldreg: I'm tellin' ya Crowes, Weez got 'em right wherez we wantz 'em...

Slameron:Coach Uldreg, how is it possible that you are meeting Count Vargsteins's team so early in the playoffs? Are the rumors true? Have you made a secret deal with the rats?

Uldreg:Dammit Crowes, dat wuz a chance occurance. Of course I didn't engineer it just so the Count's best girls are lined up to play my ladz. Dere sweet, sweet behinds hanging out over thar jus like a ripe 'ol peach... I swear on me mudder's grave, Mork bless her "available nature, " I ain't never did nuthin, no how, to make sure dat them dastardly girls drew da ticket that had my ladz name on it. I ain't did nuthin to make sure them inbred corn suckers would face the UGD. I swearz, its just blind luck them girls came a callin' on the best team SvS 'as ever seen.

Slameron:But coach those "girls" as you call them, won 7 games in the brutal Hurricane divison. TWO teams flat out quit during the regular season from fear in Typhoon. How can your blown out zombies compete?

[Smacks an official, UGD team sponsored, bong attendant aside, pointing directly into the camera]

Uldreg:Crowes, I ain't never been more serious than I iz now. Those "Hurrilamers" have always, and will always be, the mustard on a Goblin samich. Mustard is important, but der ain't anyone sells you a samich telling you what kinda mustard dey put onit. Dey ain't nuttin ta be sceeered of... Dose girals don't know how ta kill dat's wut iz already dead... Plus dem zombies have faced da likes of classics like The Pastafarians and The 400lb Gorrilas. Do you think we 'iz skeered of some upstart pretenders like da Count iz throwin at us? Dey taint nuttin we ain't seen afore. Sides, ain't nobody nowhere dat know howta Jam like da Dead. Ain't no more discussin tings. Da Dead Jam...

[With that the Dead begin a rousing version of Werewolves of Stahl., taking an extended 20 minute guitar solo right before the third verse...]
I saw a Casey Jones III with a Chinese menu in his hand
walkin through the streets of Smelladelphia in the rain.
He was lookin for the place called Hermco., gonna get a big dish of beef chow mein.

Aaahoo, werewolves of Stahl
Aaahoo, werewolves of Stahl

Ya hear him howlin around your backfield, ya better not let him in.
Little old Demodarius got mutilated late last night, werewolves of Stahl again.

Aaahoo, werewolves of Stahl!
Aaahoo, werewolves of Stahl!

He's the hairy, hairy gent, who ran amok in the Hate.
Lately he's been overheard in Slashbury.
You better stay away from him, he'll rip your lungs out Jim.
Huh, I'd like to meet Flames' tailor.

Aaahoo, werewolves of Stahl!
Aaahoo, werewolves of Stahl!

Well, I saw Casey Jones III. walkin with the queen, doing the werewolves of Stahl.
I saw Jerry Bear Jr. walkin with the queen, doin the werewolves of Stahl
I saw a Casey Jones drinkin a Necro Juice at Hermco.
And his hair was perfect.

Aaahoo, werewolves of Stahl!

Draw blood!

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